You Are Here

I wrote this blog in August of 2007. It's about the night that Carmen was talking about when she made eye contact with that guy in Long Beach.



*


Tomorrow is Carmen's birthday-she turns 34. Last night we went down to 2nd Street in Belmont Shores and had dinner and went to the bars down there. It was an interesting time. It's a young crowd there, and since we don't typically go there we didn't know that. Carmen noticed one guy and later he came up and talked to us while we were outside smoking. We spent the rest of the night hanging out with him and his friends. Carmen decided that she was 25. I think it's silly that she wants to lie about how old she is or avoid it completely...But whatever, it's her birthday and if she wants to be 25 then fine. The problem is that after hanging around us and talking to us it becomes obvious to an intelligent person-regardless of their age-that we're older than that. So, this guy Dave called her on it and didn't believe that she was 25.


She stuck to her story. Of course I had to back her up. He knew she was lying-that she was older but he didn't know HOW much older. Then he asked a good question.

"In what year were you born?"

DOH!

"You wanna know what year I was born in? That's your question??? I'm not even going to go there...I'm not gonna play this game."

We all laughed HARD.

I kept thinking....Dude, this isn't that tough of a question.

1982, 1982!

Nope, she wasn't doing it and I just had to walk away. He got her and I wanted no part of it. She wasn't savable at this point.

So the other guys and I left them there on the sidewalk and we sat down on a bench about 10 yards away. The guys wanted to go, but Carmen and Dave were in deep conversation. At one point they were sitting on the sidewalk. I thought that that was strange, and her feet must really hurt-but whatever.

Finally they finished up and we parted ways. They took a cab and we walked down the street. As they drove by he hung out of the cab and yelled to Carmen, "I'M GONNA CALL YOU!"

I yelled back, "YOU BETTER!"

Then she tells me how he was SO intense...And how embarrased she is. He was bugging her about how old she is, saying how she lied to him. Can he trust her? On and on. Did I mention these guys were 22? YEAH.

Don't ask me why but the young guns are flocking lately. Weird.

Anyway...He was so intense and she is not used to lying and there was apparently all of this PRESSURE that she nearly FAINTED. She said her vision got all dark and she lost her footing and he said, "I know you're not drunk are you ok?" That's when they were sitting on the curb. Because she nearly fainted.

I was laughing my ass off when she told me this: THAT BOY WAS SO INTENSE HE MADE ME FAINT!

Finaly she said to him, "Fine. You want to get your mind blown? You want to see my driver license? Fine. Here."

So she showed it to him. And I guess he did the math wrong because he asked her if she was 40.

She almost died. Like, heart stopping, last breath kind of dying.

"It was so humiliating" She was so upset. Not just because he did the math wrong. But because this guy was onto her, that he wouldn't let it go. That he caught her in the lie...But more so because she's turning 34 and she's at a bar in Long Beach with me on her birthday weekend talking to 22 year-olds. That she doesn't have someone in her life, that she lives in Corona with her parents. That her mom basically tells her that she's expired and she's "given up the dream to have grandchildren". Fucked up huh? I am SURE that her mom has no idea how much she's fucked with Carm's head. This has been a theme lately, for the last few months. Well, since she's been back in their house since mid April.

We sat on this bench on 2nd street for about an hour about this stuff.

Mostly I tried to convince her that her age isn't something to be ashamed of, that even though she is 34 she's still hot. That guys that are 22 want her before and after they know how old she is. That she isn't expired, that her mom has been extremely insensitive and only thinking of herself. That just because she doesn't have a man doesn't make her any less special. That being alone and not in a relationship doesn't define her.

But she's sad. She's not where she thought she'd be by now. She wishes she could go back and change everything. But I don't think she should. I think she's who she is because of what she's been through. Just because she isn't married with kids doesn't mean she's done it wrong.

And then I got into my shit. I'm not where I want to be. Back in the condo in Santa Ana...And I don't have someone in my life either. And I got married and I have a kid...But still. I'm not where I wanted or thought I would be when I turn 35. And aside from that my health isn't the best and now I have an injured back. I don't know what's going to happen with my job or health or life in general....And I'm alone too.

But I don't want to be 10 years younger. And I wouldn't change anything about my past. All of the good, the bad, the hurt, the love, the pain, the disappointments-and I've had a lot of all of it-and all of the the choices and mistakes I have made. I wouldn't change it. It's who I am, and it makes me stronger and wiser. And it's great that people think I'm 10 years younger, but I'm proud of my age. And it's fun to blow them away.

And when she asked me, "But don't you feel like you have to explain yourself when people ask you, "Why are you single? What's your story?"

Well, fuck them. Yeah I have a story. Who doesn't? And if they don't like it then fuck them. I won't explain my life away to anyone. It's my life. Who do I need to make excuses and apologies to for my life? Not a single soul. There are steps and layers to my life that got me here...There's the good the bad and the ugly, and if someone is going to love me that means they love that too. But I'm not living for yesterday. I live for today, and for tomorrow. And for a better time and for another go of it and to be happy. As happy as I can be.

I guess we're both not where we want to be and wonder what the future will bring...And it is harder as you get older...Makes you wonder more because you find yourself in your mid 30's but you had a different idea of what that meant and how that was supposed to feel and it's not how you feel. And you can't believe you're there already.

It's like that map at the mall. "YOU ARE HERE". And you're so far from where you want to be and you've got so much to carry and for some of us, like Carmen-you wonder if time is running out. Will you ever get there? And what will you have and who will be there in the end?

It's different for her, she's right about that. This one thing. I have my son, Jonah. So that pressure is off and I'm not wondering if I'll have a baby. But that doesn't mean it turned out the way I wanted. Divorced with a child isn't anyone's plan. But nevertheless, she's right.

We tried to encourage each other. She telling me that my back will get better. That maybe it's not as bad as I thought, that my job stuff will work out too. I told her that time isn't running out, she isn't OLD and she is FABULOUS and she should work on embracing how old she is.

And Dave sent he a text message while we sat there talking. He was glad to meet her, and he wants to see her again.

It made her smile. And sometimes that's enough.

~V~