Eternal Sunshine

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

It is one of my favorite movies. I've watched it several times, I own the DVD. And probably for most of you owning a DVD isn't a big deal, but I'm not a DVD buying fanatic. I only own about 15-if that.

Anyway, it is a really good movie, a wonderful concept and needless to say-a ridiculous cast. It is one of my very favorite Jim Carrey movies and I've loved Kate Winslet since Titanic. I thought she was beyond beautiful-not to mention her character was smart, with the perfect blend of independence and naivete that we all love and admire. Oh, and at the time my mother was not the only person who told me that I looked like her. Of course I thought my mother was just being my mother--somehow reading my mind-knowing that I thought KW was the most beautiful woman ever. But I heard it a lot. It was strange because, even though I took it as a wonderful compliment (yes, I was taught to take a compliment) I thought anyone who told me that was insane.

But, that's besides the point.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind is an amazing movie.

Love. Love is good, love is complicated, love is not perfect, love is not complete, love leaves you needy, love flat out fucks you up. Love will grow, love will fade-but you can never forget.

Or can you?

Well, in this movie you can. You can go to Lacuna and you can have any person (or pet) deleted from your memory.

What a WONDERFUL CONCEPT! Hell, I know that there have been more troubled romances and painful pet losses for me to keep Lacuna in business all on my own!

But what would that do to me?

If you've read my previous blogs, especially the one titled, "YOU ARE HERE" you know that I'm a firm believer in becoming wiser through your life, and that no mistake really was...It was all a way to get to who you are and to grow, to learn and to become who you are-today.

Would I truly think that if I could just walk into some doctor's office and erase someone who hurt me deeply, someone I couldn't get over, someone who didn't love me the way I loved them?

Honestly-----

I don't know.

There's been many times when I wished I could swallow a pill and forget someone. Not just something that happened with that someone, but that entire person. Just because it was too painful. Just because it was that-THAT-hard. Swallow a pill, yes I would.

But I would because it isn't possible. Beyond having a lobotomy, that just isn't possible. Beyond having amnesia, that just isn't possible. But you know what is possible? If your lucky?


Time.


No, of course you can never forget someone completely. No you can never forget the pain or sorrow or longing or neglect. But with time, through life and all of the things we need to do and have to do and just DO, time goes by and time makes it a little bit better.

Someones face-the details, they aren't as pure. The words spoken-or unspoken...They don't hang in the air as they once did.

I don't know. I don't know if I would dial up Lacuna and get right on that every time it was too difficult. But I don't know who that would make me either.

But isn't that the entire question of the movie? Where would I be? Would I still find you and start loving you again anyway?

Joel and Clementine did. They had a relationship, it was good and bad and they were different and at one point it became----done.

She erased him, he figured it out and he in turn erased her. But in the middle of the erasing he realized that he didn't want to forget her. He loved his memories of her and he did everything he could to hold onto her.

He woke up, never knew she existed and then somehow, found her again.

Oh yes, it was confusing. But, the first time or the second time around-isn't it always?

~V~

Get *Sideways*

(This was not written today, or yesterday but many days ago. I was thinking of what to write for the poll in which SEX won-which of course was not a surprise...Many things came to mind, but with this being my Diary I thought I would share something I wrote that actually goes beyond simple SEX and takes you where the mind and heart of a woman goes when she is in love & making it.)

You know where to put me
You know where to go
You are the OCEAN, I am
f l o a t i n g
Wherever you want me
That’s where I’ll go
And, I close my eyes
I trust you’ll take care of me
And we R i D e ~~~~~~~~

Waves RISING
and Falling

And we go

Up

&

Down

High and low

And I know where we’re going~~~


Rising

Rising


And I’m f l o a t i n g

Weight doesn’t exist
Here

Nothing exists here

The world has
F
A
L
L
E
N
away

We are water, we are space

And this is us


We are f l o a t i n g

This is …………….Sideways………..

Our tangled
twists and turns

It is strong and it is soft
And, I know where you are going
I know where you’re taking me

Waves growing

White caps spilling over
And we BEGIN
And the waves crash
And the stars
f a l l

We are spinning


And you begin to climb

And I hold on tight

And you s o a r

And I hold on tighter
And you take me with you

Climbing higher and higher

And when you have flown as far

as you can go

I

take

you

Further

Both of us
Holding our breath
Plunging down deep
Past the waves

Going deeper
spinning
together so tightly

We explode


Tiny pieces falling down everywhere

Raining kisses

And we are

SIDEWAYS

And pieces of us stay

This way




~V~

You Are Here

I wrote this blog in August of 2007. It's about the night that Carmen was talking about when she made eye contact with that guy in Long Beach.



*


Tomorrow is Carmen's birthday-she turns 34. Last night we went down to 2nd Street in Belmont Shores and had dinner and went to the bars down there. It was an interesting time. It's a young crowd there, and since we don't typically go there we didn't know that. Carmen noticed one guy and later he came up and talked to us while we were outside smoking. We spent the rest of the night hanging out with him and his friends. Carmen decided that she was 25. I think it's silly that she wants to lie about how old she is or avoid it completely...But whatever, it's her birthday and if she wants to be 25 then fine. The problem is that after hanging around us and talking to us it becomes obvious to an intelligent person-regardless of their age-that we're older than that. So, this guy Dave called her on it and didn't believe that she was 25.


She stuck to her story. Of course I had to back her up. He knew she was lying-that she was older but he didn't know HOW much older. Then he asked a good question.

"In what year were you born?"

DOH!

"You wanna know what year I was born in? That's your question??? I'm not even going to go there...I'm not gonna play this game."

We all laughed HARD.

I kept thinking....Dude, this isn't that tough of a question.

1982, 1982!

Nope, she wasn't doing it and I just had to walk away. He got her and I wanted no part of it. She wasn't savable at this point.

So the other guys and I left them there on the sidewalk and we sat down on a bench about 10 yards away. The guys wanted to go, but Carmen and Dave were in deep conversation. At one point they were sitting on the sidewalk. I thought that that was strange, and her feet must really hurt-but whatever.

Finally they finished up and we parted ways. They took a cab and we walked down the street. As they drove by he hung out of the cab and yelled to Carmen, "I'M GONNA CALL YOU!"

I yelled back, "YOU BETTER!"

Then she tells me how he was SO intense...And how embarrased she is. He was bugging her about how old she is, saying how she lied to him. Can he trust her? On and on. Did I mention these guys were 22? YEAH.

Don't ask me why but the young guns are flocking lately. Weird.

Anyway...He was so intense and she is not used to lying and there was apparently all of this PRESSURE that she nearly FAINTED. She said her vision got all dark and she lost her footing and he said, "I know you're not drunk are you ok?" That's when they were sitting on the curb. Because she nearly fainted.

I was laughing my ass off when she told me this: THAT BOY WAS SO INTENSE HE MADE ME FAINT!

Finaly she said to him, "Fine. You want to get your mind blown? You want to see my driver license? Fine. Here."

So she showed it to him. And I guess he did the math wrong because he asked her if she was 40.

She almost died. Like, heart stopping, last breath kind of dying.

"It was so humiliating" She was so upset. Not just because he did the math wrong. But because this guy was onto her, that he wouldn't let it go. That he caught her in the lie...But more so because she's turning 34 and she's at a bar in Long Beach with me on her birthday weekend talking to 22 year-olds. That she doesn't have someone in her life, that she lives in Corona with her parents. That her mom basically tells her that she's expired and she's "given up the dream to have grandchildren". Fucked up huh? I am SURE that her mom has no idea how much she's fucked with Carm's head. This has been a theme lately, for the last few months. Well, since she's been back in their house since mid April.

We sat on this bench on 2nd street for about an hour about this stuff.

Mostly I tried to convince her that her age isn't something to be ashamed of, that even though she is 34 she's still hot. That guys that are 22 want her before and after they know how old she is. That she isn't expired, that her mom has been extremely insensitive and only thinking of herself. That just because she doesn't have a man doesn't make her any less special. That being alone and not in a relationship doesn't define her.

But she's sad. She's not where she thought she'd be by now. She wishes she could go back and change everything. But I don't think she should. I think she's who she is because of what she's been through. Just because she isn't married with kids doesn't mean she's done it wrong.

And then I got into my shit. I'm not where I want to be. Back in the condo in Santa Ana...And I don't have someone in my life either. And I got married and I have a kid...But still. I'm not where I wanted or thought I would be when I turn 35. And aside from that my health isn't the best and now I have an injured back. I don't know what's going to happen with my job or health or life in general....And I'm alone too.

But I don't want to be 10 years younger. And I wouldn't change anything about my past. All of the good, the bad, the hurt, the love, the pain, the disappointments-and I've had a lot of all of it-and all of the the choices and mistakes I have made. I wouldn't change it. It's who I am, and it makes me stronger and wiser. And it's great that people think I'm 10 years younger, but I'm proud of my age. And it's fun to blow them away.

And when she asked me, "But don't you feel like you have to explain yourself when people ask you, "Why are you single? What's your story?"

Well, fuck them. Yeah I have a story. Who doesn't? And if they don't like it then fuck them. I won't explain my life away to anyone. It's my life. Who do I need to make excuses and apologies to for my life? Not a single soul. There are steps and layers to my life that got me here...There's the good the bad and the ugly, and if someone is going to love me that means they love that too. But I'm not living for yesterday. I live for today, and for tomorrow. And for a better time and for another go of it and to be happy. As happy as I can be.

I guess we're both not where we want to be and wonder what the future will bring...And it is harder as you get older...Makes you wonder more because you find yourself in your mid 30's but you had a different idea of what that meant and how that was supposed to feel and it's not how you feel. And you can't believe you're there already.

It's like that map at the mall. "YOU ARE HERE". And you're so far from where you want to be and you've got so much to carry and for some of us, like Carmen-you wonder if time is running out. Will you ever get there? And what will you have and who will be there in the end?

It's different for her, she's right about that. This one thing. I have my son, Jonah. So that pressure is off and I'm not wondering if I'll have a baby. But that doesn't mean it turned out the way I wanted. Divorced with a child isn't anyone's plan. But nevertheless, she's right.

We tried to encourage each other. She telling me that my back will get better. That maybe it's not as bad as I thought, that my job stuff will work out too. I told her that time isn't running out, she isn't OLD and she is FABULOUS and she should work on embracing how old she is.

And Dave sent he a text message while we sat there talking. He was glad to meet her, and he wants to see her again.

It made her smile. And sometimes that's enough.

~V~

Me: Center Stage & I See YOU

Last night was interesting. My best friend and I went to The Irvine Spectrum, and for those of you in the Orange County CA area, you know how big it it is, how many people go there-especially on a Saturday night and especially when new big movies come out. Yesterday was the second day of Star Trek, and there were tons of people there. Carmen and I were there to see Wolverine, since we didn't get to go the week before like we had planned.

I felt pretty good, better than I had in over a week. I've had some health drama recently, which has put a bit of a damper on this "new me" thing and it was really great to be out in the world. I am an avid people watcher, I always have been. I especially find it fun to people watch at a bar/club/party when people are intoxicated and I am not. That's the best kind of people watching there is in my opinion.

Just getting into the parking structure was a chore, so many cars trying to get into and out of the structure that it was grid lock. Even as I sat there in my car waiting for the traffic to move I was observing. I saw a cute guy in a truck waiting for traffic to move so he could leave. I was watching him. He must of felt my eyes because he looked directly at me. I smiled. He looked away. I kept looking at him and he turned back around and looked at me again. I kept smiling. He looked away and then back at me again and I was still smiling at him. At this time I think he finally figured out that I was indeed looking and smiling at him. He looked a little flustered and then smiled this BIG smile at me as the traffic in front of him moved and he drove off while he was looking at me!

"OH MY GOD!" I exclaimed

"What?" Carmen asked

"I just did it. I just kept looking at this guy in a truck going out of the structure and he kept looking back and then he smiled back really big! Holy shit, it worked!"

"Awesome!"

"Yeah, totally....Even though he was probably like 21 years old, it was way cool!"

See, Carmen and I finally got a chance to talk about my new project, the new me and I showed her this diary. She immediately jumped on board:

"Yeah, I know my problem is that I have a really hard time holding eye contact-except for that one time on my birthday a couple of years ago when we were in Long Beach, remember? I saw that guy and he was really cute and I just kept on looking at him and smiling, and he came over to talk to me?"

"Yes! I do remember! See, it works."

"Yeah, I know-but that's the last time I did it." And she looked regretful.

"Well, that's what you need to do! We need to learn to be more approachable AND learn how to do the approaching."

"Ohhhhhh, I don't know about that. THAT I do not do."

"Well, I think you should take another look at that. I mean, that's what I thought too. I would never approach a man, NEVER-you know me. I get all stupid and shy when they look at me, much less look at THEM and approach them!"

We talked about this the whole way to The Spectrum. How we hear that question about why we're single. I told her how I had decided that I wasn't going to stress about it anymore, but I am going to really step out into the world. Carmen has it a little bit more difficult than I do. She's never been married and she doesn't have kids. I on the other hand have been married and I do have a kid.

The Grandfather Clocks of MARRIAGE and BABIES do not chime for me, but they do for her. And the #1 person banging her clock is her mother. That woman wants grandchildren and reminds Carmen to "Get on it before she looses her looks" which I think is just horrible and I know that her mom loves her and wants her to be happy and "start her life" but she doesn't understand how horrible that makes Carmen feel.

Carmen's other issue is that she's mostly attracted to younger men. And younger men are always attracted to her. Carmen will be 36 in August and a lot of men 10 years younger flock to her and she loves it, she loves their vitality and their spunk, but before anything real can ever happen Carmen decides that nothing "real or substantial or serious" could ever come from a relationship with a younger guy, "Unless it's Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore" as she puts it.

I told her that I don't think it is reasonable or fair to discount an entire group of men just because of their age. Her response was, "Yeah I guess it is becoming more acceptable for older women to date younger men..."

Oh Carmen! She kills me, I swear-as far as I'm concerned the only people who should find it acceptable are the two people in it. But whatever, she's stubborn.

Honestly, I have dated men way younger than me, way older than me, my exact same age and I've concluded that they can all be babies. So, fuck the age thing-just find someone you enjoy and go for the ride. Go on the ride A LOT. Do what feels good & do it A LOT. Who cares what the Chinese Zodiac says! Who cares if they are a Boar, Dog, Rat, Monkey, Dragon, Rabbit or the rest of the barn animals! (I'm a Rat by the way, Carmen is an Ox.) I've always found it funny that I'm a Rat because I've always loved rats, had them as pets when I was a child and I have 4 now. Yeah, seriously.

OK, back to me and my experience last night...

Let's preface this by stating that I was having a great hair night, that my loosing over 15 pounds has really made me feel spectacular. I mean, I love muffins but not on the north side of the top button of my jeans! Man, I feel good about the way I look, I feel empowered with this new way of thinking and that makes making eye contact with people much easier.

OK, so walking around I make it a point to notice people, to walk with presence, to be relaxed, peaceful and confident. I make eye contact with whomever looks at me. I smile. It feels good. Then I turn a corner and notice a man at an outside table of a restaurant who looks right at me, and what do I do? I look away. Why? Because he was very good looking.


"Damn it!" I say

"What?"

"That guy-who's really hot just looked at me and I immediately looked away. I think I may have even stopped my smile."

"Hmmmmm." Is all she can say.

"Fuck, I need to work on that."

"Yeah, it's hard."

I even considered going to eat at that restaurant and sitting outside where he was JUST so I could redeem myself by starting some type of conversation with the man, BUT as we walked by again he was holding his cell phone and his wedding ring gleamed at me.

"Fuck it." Homie don't play that.

NEXT!

At the movie theater, waiting in line for tickets I kept scanning the crowd. I made eye contact with a very tall man who stood out, I gave a little smile. He looked away. A few minutes later I turned back around caught his eye again. He got distracted with the way-too-overly-clingy woman he was with. He had a look on his face like a papa bear being pawed at by his baby cub. I think I gave him a look like, "Oh, I get it." But that didn't stop me from turning around again a few minutes later, and this time he was already looking at me. I held my gaze with him for a count of 3 and then looked at his baby cub and then back at him-that's when his look turned to one of embarrassment. But I found it quite curious when I looked back one last time and he had seemed to have bat the cub off and was standing very straight, hands in his pockets, head slightly turned down and looking directly at me. I looked at the baby cub who was standing beside him-not touching him at all and looked like the honey was taken away from her but she didn't know why. Poor baby cub. Yes, quite curious. At this point it was time to buy our tickets and we headed inside, I made a quick turn of my head towards the crowed but purposefully did not look at him. That little experiment was over. (Carmen had told me about her friend who stares at men with women just to see if they will keep looking at her, and they do.) Yep, they do.

In the movie theater there were a ton of people waiting in lines down the halls for their showing of the next Star Trek. I made it a point to look at everyone. I made eye contact with all of the men, all of the women and the entire time I had a slight, inviting smile on my face. It seemed like almost everyone was looking at me. I decided that it was my energy, my vibe. It felt good. Walking into our theater I realized something important that I had forgotten:

"Dude, I gotta pee. There's no way I'll make it all the way through."

We found our seats and I immediately made my way down the stairs and out to the hallway where everyone was still sitting and standing waiting for their movie.

I did it again, I walked in the middle of the hallway, making eye contact with everyone, with the same inviting smile. People actually stopped talking to look, and smile back. There wasn't anyone in particular that I was trying to make eye contact with, I was just doing it to recognize that those people were THERE, that I was there too-that we for a short second-connected. It was really cool.

On my way back to my seat I did it again, walking through the hallway-looking at people, then looking at the same people who were in that line, I had already looked at them twice, and now this was the third time. This time EVERYONE was looking at me, one woman even looked at me then turned her head to keep looking at me-she was standing but many of them were sitting on the floor-they all looked up at me. They all had the same type of look on their faces. I can't imagine what they were thinking, but it was good energy coming from them.

This is when I locked eyes with a man way down the line, he was standing and his hands were together in front of his face, both index fingers pointing up towards the ceiling. And he just locked in to me and I kept looking at him and I walked down the very long hall. There were many people in front of him and behind him and I have no idea which of those people he was with because I just saw bodies and I was not making eye contact with any of them-just him. This entire time I was walking to go back to my theater and the closer I got to it and to him, the more intense the look was. I kept looking at him as I made the turn into the theater where it was safe in the dark and I realized how hard my heart was pounding. It was crazy! It was the oddest thing to ever turn me on I have ever experienced (with a stranger). WOW.

I don't even know what most of his face looked like, I just know his eyes. I don't know if he was in line watching me go down the hall to the bathroom or if he got in line while I was in the bathroom but either way, he was watching all of the people looking at me.

And the one thing that that experience taught me was this: When someone notices a person that everyone is looking at, they have to look at that person too and they want that person to look at them. And in this instance, that person was me and he was what seemed to be in a trance and I was sorta hypnotized. Not so much because he was very attractive (OK-he was hot), but that my eyes found his in this huge line of people and that I did it, I held the eye contact for a LONG time. It was amazing, and it only gave me the confidence to do it again. Maybe the next time that happens there will be room to make a connection...But for now, this was good enough. I'm getting it, and it's amazing.

Oh, and the movie was very, very good. Oh man, the eye candy gave me a cavity.


~V~

Desperate For A Man? Hardly.

There's a possibility that this diary of mine might give the wrong impression. Let us go back in time a little bit.

Recently a friend of mine and I were discussing men and meeting men and knowing the men we know and trying to figure things out and ways of having men in our lives. Men, men, men. Then, either that night or the next I was on a dating site that I've been on with absolutely no luck in meeting anyone. I was frustrated. All of those things that people say to me about how I shouldn't be single, or the things that run through my mind, like "Shouldn't there be a man in my life?" were flying around my bedroom as I settled in my fantastic bed for the night.

When I awoke however, the first thought that ran through my mind was: "You don't need a man. Stop wondering and trying to figure it out. You're happy. You're life is exactly how you want it. Of course having a lover would be nice, but if there's going to be someone sharing this sanctuary with you-whether it's in two weeks or two years-it will be that way because it is meant to be."

I sat up in bed and smiled. I felt SO good. I felt so peaceful. I felt whole. The have to have answers, the questions were just gone.

It was just a day or two after that when I came across David Wygant's articles and realized that to be my true authentic self, I need to be open to everyone around me. One thing is for sure, that you can't have too much fun in your life...And life is short, so short. So, why not practice having fun? Why not pay attention to the world and then people in it? Why not make new friends? Why not start conversations with new people? There's no reason not to, and lots of reasons to do it.

I'm calling this my Dating Diary because I see this as an experiment and a new phase in my life and I want to document it and let people in. Maybe someone else will get the message? Maybe people will inspire me when something doesn't feel right or I need inspiration or encouragement? Who knows! But one thing is for sure, I am not doing any of this because I am desperate for a man.

Also, because this is my dating diary, I would assume that at some point I will begin to meet men and date them if it feels right. But I have no intention of sharing things here that would make anyone upset about their private life. People will remain anonymous while I share my experience.

I'm feeling much better today and I'm going to The Irvine Spectrum to see Wolverine with my best friend Carmen. Maybe we'll walk around a bit and I'll practice eye contact and saying hello...That sounds like fun, and I'm all about having fun!

~V~

So, What's The Plan? Self Love, Ohhhh YEAH!

Oh---Am I supposed to have a plan? Alright, I suppose that's the point here right? The plan is to pay attention in the world. That was my first week's homework. Trying to get rid of the "There's nobody out there" mentality. David Wygant does his best to get us to see that anywhere you go there's the potential to meet people. We get so caught up in doing what we have to do that we don't pay attention. And in my case, even when I do pay attention (it is difficult for me not to notice a man I find attractive) I pretend that either he isn't there or I'm not. What can I say, my SHY personality rears it's boring head. For years I go out of my way NOT to make eye contact, and if it accidentally happens I look away in world record breaking time! But I've written about that, check out my first blog.

I haven't been able to do as much observing as I would have liked in the past week. Unfortunately I haven't been feeling very well this last week, but when I have-I am paying attention. Even when I was in the ER I not only noticed all of the extremely good looking people working in the hospital, I kept telling them too. I couldn't help it I felt I like was in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. But still, saying so is not something the old me would have done. But if felt good, and I could tell that they all felt good about it too. And I'm not just talking the men, the women were all very attractive and I had to tell them.

Another one of David's big points is Self Love. No, not the self love you do in private (although that is fun) he says what other people say and what you've heard time and time again.

You can't love someone else unless you love yourself first.

That makes sense right? Of course it does, it always has.

But how do you know if you love yourself enough? Think about it. Do you know how much you love yourself and if you're at the place where you can love someone else? Hmmmmmm. I've always wondered. I thought to myself, "Well, I love myself. I think I'm a pretty damn cool person. I have things to offer. I have things to share. I have things to give. I want to let someone into my life and I want to be in someone else's too."

Nope, that's not it.

David explains that self love means that you have a crush on yourself-everyday. That you find yourself so fascinating, so interesting, so damn wonderful. Yeah, really. It might sound conceded, but that's not it at all. We need to either feel that way about ourselves or do whatever it takes to feel that way about ourselves. If we don't see ourselves that way, why would anyone else? At least anyone who we would consider.

SELF LOVE? The answer is yes, I do love myself. I do love my life, I do have a lot in my life that I'm very happy to have. My life is full. I thoroughly enjoy my alone time, my time with my son, my time with my friends, my time at work. I have things in my life that make me happy, interests that I pursue.

I'm not perfect-far from it. I have bad habits, and I have made mistakes. But I'm human, and with every year that passes I'm better, I'm wiser, I'm more patient, I'm more forgiving, I'm less selfish and more selfless. I work on inward and outward expectations.

And when it comes to what I want, that's easy. I just want to be happy. And I am.

~V~

Casualty of "The Fairy Tale"

I am a mysterious woman. I am alluring. I am a secret you just have to know. You will see me from across the room or park or office or restaurant or baseball field or BEACH or where ever I may be. You will feel a tightness in your heart (not the fatal kind) but the kind that makes you want to leap and dance and sing and you will have to make your way to me. You will find your way, you will look deeply into my eyes and Ala Superman pulling Lois Lane to him right before he flies off with her---you will grab me around the waist and say something magnificent. You will literally and figuratively sweep me off of my feet, the world will melt away and if I ever thought I knew love before I will know that I was wrong each and every time because THIS is it. You are perfect, and you think I am perfect and you will love me forever and we will always have dinner with a beautiful sunset in the background............Oh, and we'll probably have the most beautiful babies EVER.

This is the fairy tale. This is pretty much exactly what young girls and teen aged girls and young women and women and middle aged woman-which I've recently read that that is what I am, but I wanna laugh at the idea that I'm middle aged. I mean shit, I'd like to think that I'm PERFECTLY aged, but whatever. Anyway, I don't care how old we are every single one of us has this little fairy tale playing in the back of our minds. We wonder if it is possible, since we have heard of it happening to REAL people in REAL life...Well, at least something pretty damn close to it. It happens, right? So, we all wonder-"Where is my knight in shinning armor?" "Where is my Superman?" Where the hell is he?

I know where he is. He's in books and TV shows and movies. That's where he is. He's in books like Cinderella, TV shows like Grey's Anatomy and movies like, well....Pick any of them.

We KNOW this. We do. We know it. Even as little girls who are 3 or 4 or 5 years-old. We know it is a fantasy. We know that when we read Cinderella that mice can't sew and pumpkins do not turn into carriages. Oh, but wait a second-that man COULD be real.

It's like that scene in the "Sex And The City" movie where Carrie is reading the book to Charollet's little girl and she asks her, "You know this isn't real, you know it doesn't happen this way right?" And the little girl says, "Again!" Yes, shut up with the reality talk and just read the fantasy book again. And we tell this to ourselves and our friends over and over again. Why do we do that?

Because we WANT to believe. Because we HAVE to believe. Not so much in that crazy fantasy, but that there's going to be a man out there, maybe even a few men in our lives that will find us and Love, Love, LOVE us. And we're right.

We just have to make sure that our head's aren't in some fairy tale, that we're not too busy looking past what we have in front of us-like real men who are human and flawed just like us-while we're searching for and waiting on the fantasy man.

~V~

Who Am I & Who Do I Want?

Alright, I'm doing my homework-I'm reading David Wygant's "Date To Win" e-book. I was thinking about writing a bit about myself in the sense of who I am and a bit about my dating and relationship history but I think that doing these exercises is probably an important first step to delving into what makes me, well-ME. So, I'm going to tackle these exercises first. If any of you wonder if I'm censoring myself here for the sake of looking good-think again-I wouldn't be doing this if I was going to be that way. Ok, here goes...

Exercise #1-What type of man am I attracted to? List my Non-Negotiable (must have's) & Negotiable's (not so important).

Non-Negotiables

Emotionally Stable
Emotionally Available
Honest
Financially Stable
Trustworthy
Easygoing
Good sense of humor
Romantic
Good mentor/friend to my son-eventually.
Cannot be overweight

Negotiables

Location-I would prefer a guy who lived close to either my home or work, but I'm open to a bit of distance.

Age-I've always been into men who are my age or a bit older, I think ideally he would be between 36 & 41, but I would consider someone a little younger or older than that. Maybe 33-45.

Height-I'm naturally attracted to men who are between 5'10 & 6'2, but I'm open to someone shorter or taller.
Aside from height, I don't have a particular physical type that I have to be with. But I am naturally drawn to dark haired guys. Strong shoulders/arms/hands are a big turn on for me but as long as I'm with a man who is strong inside & out and I safe with him, it really doesn't matter. He doesn't have to be a Superman build-the average build is more than fine. All I know is that I MUST be attracted and feel chemistry with a man. You can't TRY to make that happen it's either there or it isn't. Besides the above-are so many possible "Negotiables". I'll take it as it comes.

Exercise #2-This is where I lay out the type of person I am in order to understand the type of person I want to attract. Alright, let's do it:


Profile Basics

Age: 36

Height: 5'6''

Weight: 137 (I have lost 15 and I have 7 more pounds to lose to my goal but I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself right now.)

Hair: Long & Red. Naturally curly but I straighten it often.

Eyes: Big almond shaped & brown with long lashes.

Education: Some college, but I worked my way up the ladder through hard work.

Income: It could be more, but it's decent.

Top 3 Features: Hair, eyes & butt

Top 3 Flaws: I break-out when overly stressed, my arms are not toned, I have a few spider veins. Urgh.


Profile Specifics

One Night Stand or Relationship? Relationship

Active or Mellow? Both, depending on the mood.

Sex-Always or Rarely? (I assume this means how much I want it, not how much I'm getting it NOW.) So-always.

Shy or Outgoing? Outgoing

Social or Homebody? Both. Sometimes I just want to be at home and sometimes I have to be out or at least with friends being silly.

Family or Friends? Both, but I don't have a very good relationship with my family (besides my son) and I consider my friends to be family.

Giver or Taker? I'm a giver, and I like it that way. But I really appreciate thoughtfulness from my partner.

Top 5 Perfect Dates?

1. I enjoy going out to dinner. There's plenty of time for conversation and it's good to be in that environment. You can see how a man treats the wait staff (I can't stand rude), you can see his table manners (don't get me started on nasty table manners), you can see how much alcohol he orders (I don't like someone who drinks a lot), you can see if asks to order for you (just interesting, but I don't really care), it's always fun to see if he asks or waits for your answer when the desert question is asked or if he just says no for the both of us. I'd like to say that you can see how well he tips but I'm not one to grab the credit card slip. Hmmmm, I suppose it is obvious that yes-I do expect the man to pay-at least for the first few dates. At some point I do like to treat, but we have to make it that far first.

2. I love to make dinner (and I'm a great cook). One of the best feelings is having someone enjoy what I've made. I like to have the man come over as I'm nearly finishing making the meal. It's fun to see what they do. Do they ask to help, or do they like to watch? Either way is fine by me. After that I enjoy just sitting and talking, drinking cocktails or wine. MAYBE watching a movie, but I'd rather get to know someone and listen to music.

3. I love to have dinner made for me too. How good are they in the kitchen and how do they set the mood for the evening? The above applies to this scene too. Going to a County Fair, street fair or outdoor market is a great date. It's fun to see the different types of things we are both drawn to and discuss the things we see. This also gives a good opportunity for side by side time. The beach is one of my favorite places, either by night or day.

4. Going to a County Fair, street fair or outdoor market is a great date. It's fun to see the different types of things we are both drawn to and discuss the things we see. This also gives a good opportunity for side by side time.

5. The beach is one of my favorite places, either by night or day.

Top 5 Interests?

• Having fun with my kid.


• Animals & Pets.


• Writing/Reading/Drawing


• Snorkeling in Laguna Beach


• Watching Major League Baseball

Exercise #3-

What are my top 3 fears that prevents me from approaching men I am attracted to?
Well since I just don't do that, I don't have any reasons. I just decided a long time ago that I wouldn't do it-men were supposed to approach me-bottom line. That's why deciding to change this about myself is such a big deal.

OK, so there's this other part of the ebook that isn't an exercise but I thought it was interesting. It goes with the "fears" issue.

Here's the question: If you could go up to ANY man you're attracted to and ask him ANY 10 questions what would they be?

My Q's:

1. 
   Is there someone special in your life whom you see on a regular basis?


2. What's your favorite thing to do outside of the house?


3. How sexual are you?


4. When was your last serious relationship?


5. Do you follow-through with what you say?


6. How do you feel about dating someone who has a teenager?


7. Is getting married important to you?


8. Who's the most important person in your life?


9. Do you like going to the beach?


10. Are you an animal lover?

Why these questions?

1. 
   The reason I don't ask if they are single is because there's a loop-hole there. Some men may be seeing someone, not fully committed yet so they consider themselves single. When you ask if they see someone regularly, you get a better picture on how available they are.


2. 
   I think this one is pretty straight-forward.


3. 
   This is a juicy one huh? I'm a very sexual person-the more I get it the more I want it. I need someone who can match my appetite.


4. 
   I need to know if this guy is truly emotionally available and that takes time in between relationships.
   


5. Let us assume the guy I'm asking these questions to HAS to tell the truth. I want to know if I can count on him, or is he selfish and a flake?


6. 
   Yes, I'm a mom. The older my son gets (he'll be 14 in September) the easier it is I think, since there's a big sense of Independence with him-(and he wants me to be with someone) but I have a regular schedule with my son (I have shared custody) and at least in the beginning of dating someone they have to understand that I will not change my schedule with my son to suit our dating life. I have made that mistake in the past and I will not do it again. There is non-kid time in my schedule to cultivate a relationship, and the further along things get the more time I will make.


7. 
   This is a good one. I really don't have the desire to get married. I've been married and I have some very strong feelings about "tying the knot". So, if I meet a man and he's all about getting married-he's not for me. I don't want that kind of pressure. I just want to be with someone, have a long term relationship and let big things like that become a mutual desire down the road.


8. 
   Who's #1 for you man? Is it you? Is it your mom? Is it your kid? Is it your sister or brother or friend? Is it your job or your boss? Is it your dog or your cat? All of these answers mean something different. Who's your priority, who are you living to make happy and do you have room in your life to rearrange the list?


9. 
   I decided, after being with someone who did NOT like going to the beach that I need someone who LOVES the beach. He must love to go swimming in it, lay on it, nap on it, explore tide pools on the shore and watch the sunset or rise from it. If he loves the beach so much that he has a boat-BONUS!


10. 
    This is a big deal. I surround myself with animals at home and at work. I have got to be with a man who understands my love and passion for all things furry. He doesn't have to equal me, but if dog or cat hair on the bed is an issue for him-he's not for me.

David shows in his book with examples of real clients list of questions and fears that most of us don't approach for the same reasons AND most of us have the same or very similar things we want to know about someone we're attracted to. I was no different, there's a few of my questions that are in line with the examples that he showed. Maybe I went a little deeper than most but he did say ANY 10 questions!

So, at this point I've done the 3 first exercises (and then some). The next part in the book is to go out and observe people. Observe people who are outgoing on talking to other people, observe the watchers, observe who's watching ME. I'm to do this for a week. I'll write about what I see in another blog.

Now I've gotta go-The Yankees are playing The Red Sox for the first time in the new stadium and that's my que. After that, I'm going to go listen David's audio download, "Self Love".

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Monday!

~V~

Damn, the game is in a rain delay! Grrrrrrrrrrr!

One Eigth Of One Second-If That!

"Something is wrong with men." "Something is wrong with the world." "What's the deal?" "I don't understand it!" "You're so cool, and such a "catch" why are you still single?"

I've heard all of the above-and not just from inside my own mind. People say these sorts of things to me a lot.I don't think this is because I'm so HOT I make The Sun jealous-because I'm not. I am attractive, and since I've recently lost nearly 15 pounds, I think I dialed it up a bit. YAY me! But here's the thing, regardless of me 15 pounds heavier or lighter men have always checked me out. I have always checked men out. But I hardly ever get approached by men-even on dating sites it seems difficult-although it happens more than in "real life".

Hmmmm...REAL LIFE. What's the deal? Well I have been clued into what could be the deal on several occasions but insisted that, to put it bluntly, "Men are just pu***y's.

"Here's what I was told: "You seem very unapproachable because you look 'intelligent'." I wasn't quite sure how to take that one, other than "Good, I guess it's better to not be approached by men who don't think they're smart enough to talk to me."Here's another one I've heard several times once someone did talk to me, "WOW, you're so easy to talk to and fun. I really didn't think so by looking at you." When I asked why, I never really got a good answer more than, "You seem like someone who could rip a person up." I was just being me but apparently I come off as super scary. I have never and would never be rude to any man who came up and talked to me. People have feelings, and I respect that-a lot.

Anyway, I figured that either A) In a room full of "easy targets" why would someone take a chance in talking to the woman who obviously would take a little more work. By that I mean that I am not someone who's got her boobies hanging out and I do not flutter my eyelashes at every man seeking attention nor do I play dumb so men will feel superior. I do however enjoy people watching when those things are going on and I have a good time doing it. I also had decided that B) I am super attracted by men with confidence, a man who's not only going to be looking at me all night but one who will take a chance and talk to me. If they didn't, then they were not the man for me.

Here's the good part-A+B=C

And "C" is that I never get asked out, I never go on dates and I always keep hearing (in and out of my own mind) the sentences at the top of this blog. Oh, that along with "You gotta 'GET OUT THERE'!" Get out where??? I'm out in the world ALL OF THE TIME! No, I don't go to bars or to dance clubs much any more because I just don't care to do MORE people watching. I'm kinda over that, unless it's a group of us going and then I'm with a pack and women in pack's don't get approached anyway.

But I do leave my house. I do see men who I'm attracted to. I do see them looking. And in both instances nothing happens because A) I decided that I don't want to be with a man who I 'have to' approach and B) If they are looking at me or see me looking at them I divert my eyes as if acknowledging the little spark might burn my eyes and melt my face off a-la Raiders of the Lost Ark! LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY! I'm not sure if I ever kept eye contact for more than one eighth of one second.

No, I don't meet men. It sucks and it's lonely and up until the last couple of days I just didn't get it.Now I get it.

I happened upon a headline article on Yahoo! late the other night which lead me to another article and another article. It was all about dating and romance and relationships and sex and all of that great juicy stuff I love. I began reading one then two then a few articles by David Wygant . Then I went to his website. He's a dating expert, a MEETING people expert. I joined his mailing list and I've read some of his blogs and tonight I bought one of his products because he emailed me a super good $1 deal to do so. It's called "What's Your Excuse?"

This guy is easy to listen to and makes lots of sense AND got me to realize that I've been wrong for way too long. Holy crap, now that's a shocker! No, not really.

David says in his audio download, "Hold that eye contact for more than ONE EIGHTH OF ONE SECOND! HOLD IT FOR THREE WHOLE SECONDS!"

So, I decided that I am going to do what David says. I'm going to make myself approachable, I'm going to say hello to men, strike up conversations with men and I'm going to write about it here. I'm going to keep a diary of all of it.

Just so you know, this will not be easy. Although I am a very out going, easy to talk to, easy to talk with anyone type of person-I am incredibly shy when it comes to eye contact and finding things to say-especially if I'm attracted to a guy. It's like I'm two different people. My best friend can always tell if there's a guy at a party that I'm attracted to. He's the only one I WON'T start a conversation with or make eye contact with. I myself don't fully understand it, but that's just who I've been. I get all nervous and downright LAME. I've always thought it was funny when a boyfriend would accuse me of "flirting" with men. They just couldn't understand that if I was talking to them-I really wasn't interested in them in any way other than me just being my outgoing self. (They didn't get that while I was talking with Joe, that hot guy in the corner that kept looking at me was making me all nervous)!

Alright...I have more of David's audio's to listen to to get myself pumped, I do have kinda a lot going on in my life-but I will not make any more excuses.

~V~