I'm Bad...But So Good

There's no doubt about it, I'm a bad blogger. I can't say that I've been busy with work or a social life that's busting at the seams. All I can say is that I couldn't write. It wasn't a physical thing, but an emotional thing. I found an emotional hole and hid in it. I suppose if I were to be completely honest I would say that I have been able to write but the things that I've written I would never post here. So, more accurately-I couldn't write anything I would let you read. And, obviously by the depths of sharing I do here-that's saying something. The only thing keeping me sane and above water was escaping into an alternate reality-I'll explain more about that later.

First thing's first-The Update:

The MRA was normal, which is what I suspected. Every test I ever have done is normal, after all. Why would this one be any different? Although, it had occurred to me that if there were to be a test that wasn't normal, it would be one involving my brain resulting in the need for brain surgery. But as I said, that wasn't the case.

So, with the MRA being normal and every other diagnostic being normal-we were back to the result that the attack that I had on May 1st was a Silent Migraine. There was some talk about doing an MRI of my neck, but after the horrid experience of the MRA I was in no hurry to get back in the machine.

Even though an MRA is so much louder than an MRI...Imagine being right up against a fire alarm for 5 minutes straight and then right up against a car alarm for 5 minutes straight. And then imagine that your head and neck hurt a lot and you have to lay perfectly still on those parts of your body that hurt very much, with these loud noises blasting into you. Imagine these sounds and the experience repeating for a total of 30 minutes. Oh, and don't forget the pinch of the IV in your vein. The same vein that has been poked countless times in the last 6 weeks.

Of course an MRI of my neck wouldn't involve an IV, it wouldn't be as loud as an MRA either...When my doctor said that he'd like to start me on meds for the Migraine treatment first and see how it goes, but asked me what I thought about holding off on an MRI of my neck I said that I was fine with that. I was tired of tests. However, I'm not doing well on the daily med that he prescribed for the Migraine prevention. It messes with my eyes like the Clonazapam did, and it makes my skin tingle. It makes me feel the way I did before I had the migraine attack-which seems backward-so I think we'll have to try something else. It's been less than a week that I've been on it. First trying the full dose that was prescribed, then cutting it in half, but still having unfavorable side effects that I'm unwilling to live with. There's got to be other meds that don't make me feel so weird.

As far as my Fibro goes, it is somewhat better. I'm not in nearly as much pain when I'm stationary as I was. My Rheumie had me up the dosage of my Lyrica and it helped in that regard. However, my fatigue is pretty much the same. And when I push myself even just a little bit, I'm in pain. But the fatigue is what is most difficult to deal with. It is as though gravity doesn't play by the same rules with me. I'm pushed down to the earth harder than everyone else. At least everyone else who doesn't have Fibro.

Obviously I'm not back to better and able to resume life and work. Another month of medical leave, another increase of Lyrica to see if it helps with my energy level. My doctor says that with some people it does help. I never thought I'd be out this long, much less even longer. But there's nothing I can do about it except what the doctor says.


My escapism was found in an unlikely place-at least I thought so-at first. It was a addiction that found many people before me, grabbed them quickly and utterly until they were completely resigned to it-just like I would become. You wouldn't understand it unless you've been there, I knew I didn't. People would tell me about it, how it had taken them down, how they were addicted...I would roll my eyes.

Seriously, you too?

My friend gave me all that she had, and I bought my own too. I had as much as I could get. and then I started.

Now I was one among them. Addicted. Blissfully addicted. Happily, gladly, gratefully addicted. I probably was more grateful for it than I would have been at any other time in my life. I needed it now more than ever. I needed the escape from my life. I needed someone else's.

Bella's.

Oh yes. I dove right in and got my head and heart wrapped up in "Twilight" By Stephenie Meyer. I was probably more eager than I would normally be due to the fact that I had read "The Host" by her just a couple of weeks before getting my hands on The Twilight Series. "The Host" was remarkable. There was no doubt that she has an imagination that is astounding. I was eager to see what Twilight would bring.

I've always had a thing for Vampire stories. I don't know what that says about me. I'd make you wonder if that means if I like to give or get a good bite-but I'm not feeling too mysterious at the moment. The answer is yes to both.

But this isn't one of those Vampire stories. This story is more mysterious in nature-but centered around forbidden, innocent young love. Just what the doctor ordered-topics that have nothing to do with me. I bit into each book, chewing through it-each about 800 pages-in an average of 2 days. I was done with the series in less than a week. I didn't want to be. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. My friends warned me it would happen. And it isn't like I've had much else to keep me busy. And the things that I would usually spend my time on like TV or my PC or taking my pills and going to sleep at a decent time-I put off so I could read.

Now the escape is...Not so easy to find. And I've turned it inward. Digging through and sifting the corners of my mind for hints and reasons and a path.

Over the years I've been told by my friends that I should write and not only blogs but something more. It's true that there's been a something simmering for a long time, a story. But there's so much floating there that it is difficult to get a handle on it. If feels like a mystery in my own mind-like I should know the key but I can't remember. Blips come to me in my sleep, and I open my eyes and say a word remembering what it is, sure to remember what it means and then I fall asleep again. When I wake up I know the word but most of the meaning has drifted away...Almost leaving more questions than giving me answers.

But I'm on a mission. I've got to figure out the mystery and then the story will come. Wish me luck.

~V~